Meanwhile Gardens: An Urban Adventure
Written by Charlie Caselton

Chapter 109 - Too 'Don't Look Now' for words
Nicky's feet easily found the ledge and from there she jumped to the floor, landing beside Ollie with a thump that echoed across the flagstones.
"Are you ok?" Ollie whispered.
"Sort of."
"Curiosity killed the cat, Hum," Ollie muttered. "what might it do to a stupid hound?"
Or an even stupider human? Nicky thought unhappily.
Ollie lifted the collar of his coat and pulled it tighter around him. His eyes slowly adjusted to the gloom. He could see a passage stretching into the darkness in front of him at the end of which was another dim shaft of light.
"Hum!" He whispered.
"Why are you whispering?" Nicky said out loud. "Who's going to hear you?"
"Who's going to hear me?" Hearing his own voice gave Ollie a measure of confidence. With a hint of a swagger he set off into the unknown and rather scary.
"Wait for me!" Nicky hurried behind him.
Floor-to-ceiling archways lined the passage. Some were caged with iron bars, some had been bricked up and others were closed by solid iron doors with elaborate gothic locks.
"As if dying wasn't bad enough imagine being put somewhere like this!" Ollie exclaimed.
"D'you hear anything?"
Ollie stopped and listened but there was nothing to alert him to Hum's presence. All that could be heard was an occasional dripping as water seeped from the ground above into the underground chambers. There was no hint of the traffic or trains, nor of the planes stacking overhead getting ready to land at Heathrow.
"It's so quiet." Ollie said amazed. "Some might say a deathly hush filled the space."
Nicky gave a faint giggle, more of nervousness than of mirth. "Or a deadly silence."
A sudden shiver flared down Ollie's spine. He jumped swiftly to the centre of the passage, the vision of skeletal hands reaching through the bars had suddenly become unbearable.
Nicky whistled softly. "Hum!" She implored, but there was nothing, not a distant bark, not a muffled patter of paws, nothing.
Coming to the main passage Ollie looked up and down to find countless other corridors opening off it in some strange subterranean grid.
Nicky whistled again and was rewarded by a flash of colour running across the centre passageway several corridors up. In his little red coat, she thought, this was too Julie Christie, too 'Don't Look Now' for words.
Ollie strode purposefully onwards until something happened to stop him in his tracks. He felt it first around his face as it exploded up from the ground. Yelling with both hands raised he pushed it away and jumped back, still pummelling the air with his hands. This incident caused Nicky's already frayed nerves to shred further. Unable to restrain herself she let out a chilling scream.
It took a while for them to realise what had happened and even longer for their hearts to slow down. The startled pigeon fluttered a few yards down the nearest side corridor before stopping and twitching nervously.
"Go towards the light!" Ollie shooed the bird towards the dim glimmer at the end of the passage. The bird hopped a few steps but was unsure. "Towards the light!" He hissed feeling uncomfortably like a new age guru preaching to his disciples.
"Set it free Ol!"
"But - " Ollie was unsure on two counts; unsure whether he could catch the poor bird even if he wanted to and unsure whether he could find his way back to the broken grille anyway. He took a deep breath in the hope it would make the decision making easier. "Maybe this is his home." He reasoned. "Maybe freeing it would leave a nest of hungry chicks - ". Before Nicky could comment Hum's familiar bark was heard. Saved from the ornithological dilemma Ollie moved quickly on, his eye taken by faint phosphorescence on the wall ahead of him.
Nicky had also seen the odd gleaming. "Is that a light switch?"
"I bet it doesn't work." Ollie jabbed the button with his fist. To his relief three bare bulbs, evenly spaced along the dank walls, fizzled into action. Lines of side passages stretched before him in the wan glow. The entrances to some were closed with thick doors whilst others remained open.
"There he is!" Ahead of them Hum slipped into a side corridor through a heavy door open ajar. "Come here!" Ollie ordered now totally fed up with the hound. "I have three words for you Hum - " He said the words slowly and clearly. "Battersea. Dogs. Home." As if to express the dog's indifference the lights chose that moment to go out.
"I'll get it" Ollie fumbled his way back towards the switch. As he pressed the oddly luminescent circle he jumped back screaming, feeling warm flesh and fingers beneath his own.

Chapter 110 - So Near and yet so Far

When the lights flickered into their dull wattage what Ollie saw caused the scream to die in his throat and to rise in Nicky's. Illuminated in the glow was a bald man with an impressive purple birthmark across the centre and side of his head. Ollie knew who it was in a second - the unfriendly cemetery guard who had been sniffing around Rion's place on the canal.
Gorby also recognised Ollie.
"I - " Ollie began but his chest was still constricted with fear.
"How did you get down here?" Gorby asked in a mystified although slightly menacing tone.
"My dog - " Ollie took in a huge gulp of air. "must have fallen through somewhere."
In the silence the guard slowly looked Ollie up and down. "Haven't we spoken about this sort of thing before?" He asked.
Ollie knew full well they had but refused to answer.
"If he'd been on a lead this wouldn't have happened."
"And if the area around the chapel hadn't been so unsafe this wouldn't have happened." Nicky retorted. "Imagine if a child had fallen down here, you need signs at the front warning of the danger."
Feeling the guard's eyes on him caused an involuntary shiver to ripple through Ollie's body. "Where's the dog now?" Gorby asked.
As if on cue a snarling was heard from where Hum had vanished moments before.
Ollie made for the corridor with the huge door open ajar but was stopped by the guard. "Stay here." Gorby ordered.
As another snarling was heard, this time louder, Ollie pushed past him. "You want me to get my dog I'll get him!"
Quickly followed by Gorby and Nicky, Ollie shoved open the heavy door. He found himself in a side corridor like all the others. Several of the vaults in this smaller passage had been bricked up although some remained caged and open to view. Light spilled from under one closed with a door.
It was from this one that again the snarling began.
"Hum!"
The door to the vault opened a crack and a man with tightly set eyes peered out. He held the struggling, snapping dog at arm's length in front of him. Just as it seemed Hum was going to deliver a nasty nip to his captor the man dropped him, nodded to the guard and quickly closed the door. The dog continued pawing at the iron door upon which a coat of arms could be seen. Ollie picked Hum up, held him close and took a quick glance through the spyhole. Even though it was made for inside looking out Ollie could see a blurred image of what looked like three people.
"It's a private vault." Gorby pulled Ollie away from the peephole. With one arm firmly around the young man and the other around Nicky, the guard shepherded them out of the passage.
Inside the Rosleagh vault Beck had his hand over Rion's mouth while Senior stood with his back against the door. In a fury Rion bit into Beck's fingers. "Help!" She cried before Senior and his twin restrained her.
The dog struggled in his arms upon hearing the stifled cry. "What was that?" Ollie asked.
Gorby gave no indication of having heard anything. "What was what?" He asked impatiently.
"Didn't you hear it?" Nicky, unsure whether she had heard anything or not, spoke up in support of Ollie.
"Hear what?" The guard firmly closed the door before they could go back to the small corridor. "I must ask you to leave. Our clients come here to be with their loved ones. They do not appreciate intrusion in any form." Gorby gestured for them to follow him down the central passageway. "Please."
Ollie looked back, he knew something was going on but didn't know what.
Gorby again began to shepherd them down the centre passageway. "Please." He said more firmly.
They shrugged off the guard's grip and followed.
"What are your names?" Gorby took a small pocketbook from his jacket.
Without thinking Ollie replied. "Ollie Michaelson." He could have kicked himself as the words spilled out. How many times had he told Nicky never to give your details to officials in dodgy situations?
Nicky remembered Ollie's oft-repeated advice even if he hadn't. "Carina Fitzboodle." She replied coolly.
Gorby jotted the names down, snapped the notebook shut with a flourish and returned it to its place. After twenty yards he turned off the centre passageway onto some narrow stone stairs that wound their way up to the ground level. Nicky and Ollie followed a few paces behind, Ollie inwardly cursing his own stupidity.
They walked in silence through the neglected chapel, its once grand ceiling depicting the heavens now sadly showing signs of decay, before leaving through the main entrance.
"Keep your dog on a lead." Gorby said.
Before Ollie could think of a suitable reply the enormous chapel door clanged shut behind him. "I can't believe you gave him your real name!" Nicky said astounded. "How many times - ?"
"I know. I know." Ollie stood under the Doric columns. After a few seconds lost in thought he turned to his friend. "There were three people in that vault."
"Are you sure?"
"No - well, yes, - I think so." He kicked the ground in exasperation. "God Nicky - who knows?"
Nicky put her arms around her friend. "Maybe they were just mourners like he said."
"Maybe." But Ollie wasn't convinced.
Defiantly keeping Hum off the lead they set off towards the van. In his preoccupied state Ollie forgot to collect his tin of 'Kensal Green' that Jake had so kindly kept for him.

Chapter 111 - If Only Hum Could Talk
"We'll be leaving tonight. Make sure she's ready." Gorby pulled Beck to one side. "Do you need any more?" He whispered out of reach of Rion's hearing.
"Roofies?" Beck asked, referring to the industrial strength Valium they had been using to subdue the young girl.
Gorby nodded.
"There's loads left."
"Make sure nothing goes wrong." Before Gorby left he took a quick look at Rion who sobbed on the mattress, her face to the wall. "When do you expect to move?"
"Much later, after twelve anyway."
Enough time, Senior hoped, to retrieve the jewels and return the bars to their original state.
Senior peered after Gorby as he left down the corridor. Satisfied that he had gone the leader of the twins returned to the Rosleagh vault. "Come on." He went to unlock Rion's section. "Stop the waterworks."
Still sobbing the young girl looked up at him. Her eyes were red from crying. In a rage she got up from the mattress and clung to the bars. "What do you want from me?" She screamed at the twins.
Senior rethought his plans to let her out and put the key back in his pocket.
For the first time since her ordeal began Rion was scared. The sight of Hum had at once confused her and given her hope. It meant she must still be near Meanwhile Gardens - at least she wasn't in Ireland - it also meant people were looking for her. Where Hum was, Ollie and the rest couldn't be far behind.
It didn't take her long to figure out that she must be in the catacombs beneath Kensal Green Cemetery.
The twins observed her, Beck defiant, Senior more troubled. Rion felt her eyes well up again. She returned to the mattress, held the blankets tightly to her and stared at the damp, pockmarked bricks. After a few seconds she reached into her back pocket. Rion removed the cutting of Blondin and smoothed it out. She stared at the familiar image of the tightrope walker with the frying pan in hand, the waters of Niagara crashing beneath him.
What would he have done?
Behind her the twins carried on sawing, each minute bringing them closer to the Rosleagh jewels they were so determined to possess.

When Ollie had finished recounting the recent events in Bridlington and the Kensal Green catacombs a hush fell over the room. Gem 'n Em looked at each other in slight bewilderment before Auntie Em stood up and went to the phone. "Neil should know about this." They listened in silence as she tried dialling up her tame inspector, but without success. "Neil's off duty until tomorrow. They wouldn't give me his mobile number."
"We'll phone him first thing." Nicky reassured her.
"What do you think was going on in the catacombs?"
"Only Hum knows don't you boy?" Ollie stroked the dog that had squeezed on the sofa beside him. "There aren't many times I wish he could talk but this is one of them."
Hum pricked up his ears as if aware he was being talked about before scrambling from the sofa and dashing down the stairs. A knock at the door followed.
"I'll get it." Nicky said, following the dog.
Gem 'n Em and Ollie strained to find out who it was but all they could hear were muffled voices. Moments later Jake appeared.
"You forgot this." He handed a battered tobacco tin to Ollie.
"Thanks mate." Ollie smiled. "You didn't have to bring it round though. I could have collected it tomorrow."
"Yeah, well, I - " Jake shuffled his feet before looking up.
Ollie wasn't the only one to notice the slightly bashful smile that passed between Jake and Nicky.

"Would you like to stay for supper Jake?" Auntie Em asked quick as a flash. "We have plenty."

Chapter 112 - The Secret of the Pharaohs
Rion woke to excited cries. She turned to see Beck reaching through the bars for the studded green velvet box that lay at the feet of the Earl of Rosleagh's similarly clad coffin.
"This is it!" Senior crowed triumphantly.
Beck's hands inched towards the jewel box. "Nearly there!" With a yelp he touched it, got his fingers around the back and manoeuvred it into his other hand. Slowly, slowly he pulled the studded box out until he held it, arms trembling, before his brother.
"Feel the weight of it!" Beck said impressed.
Rion looked on as Senior took the box from his twin. He balanced it in his hands and shook it slightly, smiling with satisfaction upon hearing the jewels inside rattle about.
Beck sat down on the Countess of Rosleagh's elaborate chair. "Open it!" He implored.Senior examined the box from all angles. He tipped it upside down, grinning each time the stones rolled from one end to the other. After a while he found what he was looking for."You don't get craftsmanship like that any more." He pointed to the rose on the Rosleagh coat of arms. "D'ye see?"
Beck looked closely at the studded velvet box. "See what?"
Rion tried to make out that she wasn't interested but looked on from the corner of her eye.
With the thinnest blade on his penknife Senior lifted a petal of the intricately carved rose. "There." He identified a tiny, narrow slit. "That'll be it." Senior poked his blade through the slot and wriggled it about. He smiled when the top of the box sprang open.
"Yes!" Beck clapped his hands in excitement.
Rion had given up the pretence of being disinterested and looked on with curiosity.
"Well?" Beck asked with bated breath as Senior peered in. "What do you see?"
Unable to bear the silence Beck grabbed the box from his brother. He reached in with one hand, rummaged around and brought up a shiny object the size and shape of an old worn cricket ball. The uneven rock was of so dark a red it was almost black.
"What the." Beck's voice trailed off as he looked at the object, trying to make out what on earth it was.
He placed the box on his knee and reached in. His fingers closed around smooth oval objects. Opening his palm Beck found two reddish/black stones there, both the size and shape of duck eggs. "Rubies?" He asked hopefully.
Senior pulled out another object from the jewel box. This was also of the same reddish/black as the others but was flatter and somewhat elliptical. He placed it with the cricket ball and duck eggs.
Beck looked at his brother as a child might upon discovering there was no such thing as Father Christmas. "They're not jewels are they?"
"They might be." Senior said hopefully. He scratched his head, trying for the life of him to think what they might be.
"Maybe this is what they look like uncut." Beck began, his imagination fired up once more. "Maybe this is how raw emeralds are."
Senior caught some of his twin's enthusiasm. "The darkest sapphires perhaps!"
Beck's eyes flashed. "Or black diamonds!"
Rion scoffed. Having been at school more recently than the twins she had already guessed what they were. A chuckle grew into a chortle that grew and grew until she had to hold on to the bars to support herself, her body doubled up, convulsed with loud, rollicking laughter. She finally slowed to a more modest giggle that subsided into a half-smile and smirks.
"You don't know what they are do you?" She asked.
Beck looked at her in annoyance whilst Senior turned away. Seeing their faces caused another outbreak of hoots and cackles. After her time in confinement Rion took release in the laughter that wracked her body. Each time the bouts subsided all it took was a glance at the objects or a look at the twins' expressions for her to burst into uncontrollable hysterics.
Finally she was able to rein in her merriment. "Don't you ever watch those programmes about the pharaohs and ancient Egypt?" She asked between giggles.
The twins looked at her suspiciously.
"If you did you'd know the secrets of embalming."
"So?" Beck asked, his irritation at an all time high.
"So?" Rion managed to force down a giggle that was brewing in her belly. "You'd know they remove the internal organs first."
Beck shrivelled his nose. "You mean they're - ?"
Rion nodded. "His heart, kidneys and liver!" Rion felt the giggle grow and grow. "If you look in the 'jewel box,'" She couldn't help sniggering. "you'll probably find his stomach and intestines as well." For some reason this struck her as funnier than the others. She doubled up again before collapsing on the bed, her eyes streaming tears of laughter. Rion wrapped her arms around her stomach that was aching from the strain.
Her laughter was unfortunately shortlived.
What happened next stunned them all into a horrified silence. A strange knocking was heard coming from inside the bars. They looked around before Senior gasped. "It's the Earl!"
As one they looked at the shelf at eyelevel. The studded coffin in faded green velvet was beginning to rattle and jump about as if caught in an earthquake.
Or as if something inside was trying to get out.
The twins exchanged a horrified look with each other before looking at Rion. There was a second of silence before they all screamed.

Chapter 113 - A Narrow Escape

Beck had turned white as a sheet. "Phone Gorby!"
"But - " Senior gestured to the space in the bars, to the mess, to the studded velvet box. "What are we going to tell him about this?"
"Just phone him!"
"And let me out of here!" Rion hugged the wall as far away as possible from the angry Earl. Although she was separated from the Rosleagh coffins by a heavy wire mesh it seemed much, much too close. "I'll tell Gorby about the box." She threatened.
Senior glared at the young girl before unlocking her side. "Is the drill still here?" He asked his brother.
Beck swooped on a bag in the corner. He pulled out the Black & Decker. "Yes."
"We'll say we used it to try and do something to the coffin."
Beck looked wildly at his brother. "Do what?"
"I don't know - something!"
Senior threw the Earl's internal organs into their box and hurriedly shoved them through the bars. They landed some way from the coffin that still rattled and juddered. He snatched up his mobile and was through to Gorby in a second. "It's urgent!" Rion heard him say. "Double urgent! An emergency!" Senior clicked off the phone. "Thank God he was upstairs." He grabbed Rion by the hand and ran into the corridor. Beck swiftly followed. "Leave all the talking to me." Senior slammed the vault door. "And you," he looked at Rion, "don't say a word."
They waited in the dimly lit corridor, flinching at every rattle they could hear through the vault door. After what seemed like an age they heard footsteps racing down the outside corridor. The heavy door was flung open and Gorby stood there, his head gleaming under the lightbulb.
"What on earth is going on?" He asked, slightly out of breath and more than surprised to see the twins and Rion outside the Rosleagh vault.
"The Earl!" Senior hissed.
"What?"
Beck gestured to the closed door that bore the Countly coat of arms. "He's alive!"
Gorby had now heard the peculiar rattling. He put his head to one side and listened. Fearlessly he opened the heavy door and walked in. The twins and Rion peered nervously after him.
"How long has this been going on?" Gorby asked in a remarkably cool manner, Rion thought, for someone standing before a rattling coffin.
"A couple of minutes." Senior said hurriedly. "We drilled through the bars to see if - "
Gorby stopped him. "You drilled through the bars?" He boomed, his voice echoing around the small space.
The twins looked at each other nervously. "Yes." Senior said almost timidly.
"With what?"
Beck rushed over to the bag in the corner and pulled out the Black & Decker. "With this." He thrust the miniature powertool at Gorby before running back into the corridor.
"Have you a drill head?" Gorby asked. "Quick!"
Beck glanced at the rattling coffin and weighed up his chances. Crossing himself quickly he dashed back into the vault, grabbed the bag and ran out with it. In the safety of the corridor he pulled out the small pack of attachments. "Found it!" He waved the drill head at Gorby.
"What are you waiting for?" The guard asked.
"Holy Mary Mother of God." Beck began as he charged over to Gorby. With shaking hands he changed the head on the powertool, all the while reciting the names of saints and the various promises he would keep if they would only let him out of there unharmed. With a final twist Beck secured the drillhead and returned it to Gorby.
"Anyone got a match?" Gorby asked.
"He wants a cigarette!" Senior whispered amazed to Beck and Rion. He reached in his pocket and pulled out a box of Swan Vestas which he threw at the guard.
Gorby reached into the inside pocket of his jacket and withdrew a ballpoint pen. He pulled out the ink cartridge with his teeth to leave only the plastic pipe.
Rion looked on agog. "What's he doing?"
The guard started up the powertool and began drilling a hole in the coffin. He got through the first layer of wood with ease, the subsequent layer of lead took longer. Finally they saw his hand jerk forward. Gorby quickly removed the drill. He filled the hole it had made in the Earl's coffin with the barrel of the ballpoint pen.
"Ooooh." Rion said in disgust. She pinched her fingers over her nose as an overwhelming stench filled the space.
Gorby pulled out the box of matches and struck one on the bars of the vault. As the sulphur ignited he held the flame to the barrel of the pen protruding from the coffin. A whooshing sound was heard as a flare of green and blue flames shot halfway across the room.
Watching from the corridor the twins and Rion jumped back in horror.
The flare grew smaller. The flames changed from their initial colours to a more normal orangey red until with a final gasp they petered out altogether.
It was noticeable that the rattling had stopped.
"It's ok." Gorby said, seeing the awestruck expressions staring at him. "This sometimes happens with the older coffins. The gases just build and build until they reach feverpitch. Lead coffins have been known to explode. Imagine," He looked at Rion and smiled. "what a mess that would cause."
Gorby gave the drill to Senior. "Get everything cleaned up and be ready to leave in a couple of hours." He looked around the vault. "I feel we'll have visitors tomorrow."
Before the guard left he reminded the twins. "Make sure she has something to eat and drink." He said pointedly. "We don't want her getting dehydrated." He winked at the twins who nodded their understanding.

Chapter 114 - Restless
Even after the long drive from Bridlington, the wine and spliffs at dinner Ollie found he couldn't sleep. By all rights he should be dog-tired. Hum certainly was. Ollie could hear the hound's gentle wheezing from deep under the covers. His mind raced back to the vault in the catacombs - who had been in there? Were they still there?
Ollie inched his way out of bed, careful not to disturb Hum from his nest under the blankets and duvet. He dressed quickly, found his torch and tiptoed down the stairs. It crossed his mind to take the dog but in this situation, where stealth might be needed, it was best to let sleeping dogs lie.
Feeling peculiarly defenceless without Hum Ollie avoided the canal. He ambled along Kensal Road to the top of Ladbroke Grove. From the middle of the bridge Ollie looked over the shadowy mass of the cemetery. Remembering Jake's words he tried the side door adjoining the Dissenters Chapel. He was both relieved and troubled when it opened to his touch.
Now there was no turning back.
Steeling himself Ollie slipped into the cemetery. It wasn't as scary as he thought it would be. There was no need for the torch. The nearly full moon guided him along a small path by the canal that would, he reckoned, join Terrace Avenue.
Before he got halfway he stopped, his attention taken by the gentle puttering of an engine through the darkness. Moving closer Ollie could see a barge was moored on the cemetery side of the canal just below Rion's old home. His curiosity piqued he crept forward.

Chapter 115 - The Final Departure
Rion knew when they brought the tea that there would be something in it. She also knew how she was expected to act had she drunk it. After fifteen minutes the young girl allowed her eyes to blank over and let her limbs fully relax.
The twins soon noticed.
"Give her another while," Senior said. "then let's take her down."
Propped in the Countess' elaborate chair Rion watched as the twins finished clearing up. They quickly soldered the bars together. After a lick of paint no one would ever know of their misguided attempt at robbery.
Senior stepped back to admire his handiwork. "As good as new eh?"
"Or as old." His twin replied. "No one'll come in here for years anyway."
"Unless the Countess or one of the children should become overly gaseous...." Senior chuckled nervously. "Gorby said he expected a visit though."
"Well, they won't find anything will they?"
Senior took a last glance around the vault. "You'd never know we were here."
Satisfied that no trace of their stay remained Beck pulled Rion to her feet. Acting entranced she was led along the passageways and up through the darkened space of the main chapel.
When they left the building it tested all of Rion's powers not to jump for joy. By the light of the moon everything looked so bright - and so beautiful she thought, feeling a hymn stir in her chest. After the staleness of the catacombs the crisp night air tasted so good! She thought of running there and then until she felt the twins' arms firmly grip her own.
Behind her blank eyes Rion looked to see where they were taking her. She tried not to show her excitement when they went down towards her old home on the canal, down past Jake's!
As they trudged on the side of the muddy track, Rion flopping zombielike between the twins, she looked for the most opportune moment. She seized her chance where the track veered towards the hidden house in the trees.
In a burst of strength Rion struggled to free herself. "Jake!" She screamed. "Jake!"
Although caught unawares Senior and Beck quickly over-powered the young girl.
Rion wasn't able to call out a third time. Beck's hand over her mouth, suffocatingly close to her nose made sure of that. Still struggling she was hurried along the track, past the neglected graves and through the hole in the railings.

Ollie waited until all was quiet. The last thing he heard was a sound behind him. And then nothing.

Chapter 116 - Neither in this World nor the Next
The twins weren't happy.
"What d'ye bring him for?" Senior asked.
"He knows the girl."
"Finish him off. Leave him here." Beck said.
Senior agreed. "Who's going to look for a body in a cemetery?"
But Gorby had other plans. He carried the unwelcome visitor aboard. As they cast off Ollie lay crumpled on the floor of the wheelhouse, neither in this world nor the next.
They had stopped within the hour. Above them a junction of the M4 curved in the darkness.
"This'll do. Tie up." Gorby ordered.
The twins did as they were told.
Ollie was still dead to the world. He didn't so much as groan as Gorby pulled him from the floor, slung him over his shoulders and carried him from the barge. "I won't be long."
Gorby trudged up the winding concrete steps that led to the motorway. He carried Ollie over his shoulders as a fireman might carry someone from a burning building.
But Gorby wasn't going to be saving anyone's life tonight.
The guard slowly made his way above the tunnels and deserted underpass. He was breathing heavily by the time he came to the upper level. The motorway was quiet at this hour. All that could be heard was a distant rumble as juggernauts raced each other through the night. Gorby placed Ollie in the middle of the nearside lane. Powerful headlights bore down on them from the distance.
Perfect. Crushed beneath an 18-wheeler the young man would be unrecognisable.
And impossible to identify.

Chapter 117 - The Morris

"This had better be good." Inspector Devine said to Nicky as they pulled up in front of the Anglican Chapel in the middle of Kensal Green Cemetery.
"Something is definitely going on down there. We felt it yesterday - "
"I can't act on feelings."
"But you can tell from their faces, it was something really suspicious!"
"So suspicious that Mr Michaelson couldn't be bothered to show up?"
Nicky also wondered where Ollie was. It was most unlike him to leave Hum alone. Even more unlike him not to be here.
"I've got better things to do as well you know. I'm only doing this as a favour to Em - " He quickly corrected himself. "to Ms Nelson. Don't make me regret it."
The door on the side of the chapel was open for once. The Inspector gave it a polite knock.
Oh God, Nicky thought, he's not going to say 'ello,'ello, 'ello is he?
Before her fears could be confirmed or otherwise, a woman's voice cheerily trilled. "Come in!"
The Inspector pushed open the door and led the way into a cold, rather dismal office brightened only by a colourful print of Picasso's L'Arlequin.
A woman looked up from behind a desk. She had a kindly plump face and glasses that were too big for her. Her tweed jacket, faded and worn, was the sort favoured by great aunts in the country - a breed to which she no doubt belonged. In front of her was a postcard rack crammed with black and white images of some of the cemetery's more famous monuments.
There was something curiously familiar about the woman although Nicky didn't think she had seen her before.
"Can I help you Superintendent?"
Auntie Em's tame policeman coughed slightly to clear his throat. "It's Inspector actually Madam." He flashed his badge at her. "Inspector Devine, Notting Hill Police Station." The woman toyed with the double strand of no doubt fake pearls around her neck. She put her head to one side in what Nicky hoped was not a coquettish manner. "Inspector." She deferred.
It was! She was flirting with Inspector Devine.
The woman came out from behind the desk. Her skirt, of the same tweed as her jacket, stopped just below the knee to reveal calves of a surprising thickness.
"I'm sorry to trouble you Madam it's just - " The policeman stretched his neck from side to side as if this would ease his discomfort. "We've had reports of odd goings on in the catacombs."
The woman opened her eyes wide. "Really?" She said clutching her pearls in alarm. "What sort of goings on?"
"That's just it Madam." The policeman again cleared his throat to try and cover his embarrassment. "We're not exactly sure but if we could have a quick look?"
"I hope it's not serious." The woman said flustered.
The Inspector used his most soothing of voices, the voice that eased the trauma from even the most disturbed of victims. "I'm sure it's nothing but we have to investigate every lead - "
"Of course." The woman said, upset at the thought it could be any other way.
" - no matter how false they may turn out to be." The Inspector's eyes slid round to Nicky who was looking elsewhere, her attention taken by the numerous toy figures gathered in clusters on the cabinets and shelves of the office. The small figures, all of dancing masked men in white knickerbockers, had the kitsch appeal of holiday souvenirs, perhaps memories of a trip to Spain Nicky thought.
"Let me get my husband. He knows more about the catacombs than I do." The woman opened a side door through which Nicky could see a stone staircase spiralling into the darkness. "Ted!" She called in her shrill voice. "We have visitors. Ted!" She turned back into the room. "He'll be here in a second. I'm Mary by the way, Mary McGrath."
Whilst waiting for Mr McGrath to appear Nicky took a closer look at the print on the wall. "Picasso was a mystic of course." Mary said upon seeing her interest in the masked dancer. "His model for this was a Morris Man. He wasn't the only one inspired by their ancient dances."
Nicky wasn't sure what to make of this. "Really?"
"They go back to Celtic times you know." Mary said as if sharing a secret.
"The Morris Men or the dances?"
"Both."
Before Nicky could fully digest this information Mr McGrath entered the room. He was the perfect counterpart to his wife in that he gave off the same air of restrained jollity and wellworn tweed. He also looked slightly similar to her, which Nicky thought was rather sweet. Maybe that's what happens to old couples, she thought, they turn into each other after forty or so years together. With a pang Nicky thought back to her own life so lacking in coupledom. She began to wonder if she would ever spend her life with someone, someone she might begin to look like after forty years.
She was jolted out of her thoughts by a gentle nudge in the ribs. Nicky glanced up to find herself being looked at with some concern by Inspector Devine, Ted & Mary.
"I said, 'Were you with Mr Michaelson who visited us yesterday?'" Ted repeated.
Nicky decided that attack was the best form of defence. "I hope you're insured."
The couple seemed slightly taken aback. "Excuse me?" Mary asked.
"Insured?" Ted repeated, equally mystified.
"Yes. Corporate liability." Nicky said. She ignored Inspector Devine who tried to silence her with a glare.
Ted shook his head. "Corporate liability?" He asked somewhat incredulously. He looked at his wife and shrugged his shoulders. Mary shrugged her shoulders in return.
"Yes. If anyone injures themselves in the catacombs - "
Inspector Devine cut her short. "Shall we?" He asked, gesturing to the main door.
Ted exchanged another perplexed look with his wife before leaving the room. Nicky and the Inspector followed.
"Don't push it." The policeman warned.

Chapter 118 - Without a Trace
They walked through the chapel, down the stairs and within seconds were in the damp gloom of the catacombs.
"We have had a problem with vandals in the past. They seem to get in through the surrounding grille." Ted had recovered his composure. He turned to look at Nicky. "Is that how you got in?"
"That's how Mr Michaelson's dog fell in."
"And which corridor was it?"
Nicky took her bearings. "Give me a minute." She walked up the central passageway to the heavy door she remembered from the previous day. "I think it's this one."
"Ah," Ted sniffed. "You think?" He exchanged a look with Inspector Devine.
Nicky pushed the door open. "Yes!" She said excitedly. "This is it." She looked at the arched vaults stretching down the corridor.
"You're sure?" Ted asked.
Nicky quickly found the age-darkened bronze door emblazoned with the Rosleagh coat of arms. She nodded excitedly to the policeman. "I'm sure."
"Ah, the Rosleagh vault." Ted looked through the many jangling keys until he found a suitably solid one. He checked the attached label, turned the key in the heavy lock and pushed the door that opened with an uncomfortable groan.
"Some of these old vaults have lights but the Countess, so I've been told, preferred candles." The tall man took a flashlight from his pocket and stepped into the vault. Nicky and the Inspector followed. "We did have some trouble here yesterday." Ted shone the torch at the shelves of coffins in front of him, focusing on a large one that rested by itself at eyelevel. "The Earl's coffin was about to - this is not for the squeamish I'm afraid - " He looked at Nicky and the Inspector. " - but the coffin was about to explode."
The Inspector wasn't sure what Ted had said. "Excuse me? Explode as in - " He gestured with his hands. " - boom?"
Ted nodded. "The gases just build and build until - well you can imagine I'm sure." He shuddered before whispering. "Mess.
The policeman looked at the coffin with newfound respect.
"It was only the quick thinking of Mr Dwight that saved the day."
"Mr Dwight?" The Inspector asked.
"My second-in-command."
"Is he the one with a birthmark," Nicky patted the side of her head. "here?"
"Yes."
"Can I speak to him?" The Inspector asked.
"Under normal circumstances yes, however Mr Dwight's just begun two weeks holiday."
"How convenient." Nicky said under her breath but loud enough so the policeman could hear.
"He mentioned the couple in his report of the incident though." Ted turned to Inspector Devine. "You can see that if you'd like." Ted shone the flashlight around the small space. "As you can see no-one has been here for years."
"Does anyone else have access to this section?"
"Of the public?"
The Inspector nodded.
"The Worth-Bassingtons are the only ones now - Lady Chessy's a regular, she was here yesterday in fact - they have the vault next door you see." Ted explained. "All the others have died out."
Nicky looked at the Earl's coffin. She could see the blackened half-melted barrel of the pen sticking out of it like some crazed, stunted stalactite. "Bit of a coincidence Mr Dwight being around just at the right time."
"There are warning signs." Ted said in a tone that suggested everyone would know that. "In fact it was Lady Chessy who alerted us. You can call her if you like." He directed this last to Inspector Devine.
Nicky looked around the vault for any evidence of Rion, or any evidence of recent occupation, but saw none.
"Lady C's abit eccentric but reasonably coherent if you catch her on a good day. If you'll come upstairs I'll give you her number."
Inspector Devine left the vault. "That won't be necessary."

Chapter 119 - Dreams can come true

With Mr Dwight's report under his arm the Inspector walked towards the panda car. "I hope you're satisfied now." The policeman gave a last wave to Ted and Mary who watched from the top of the chapel steps.
Nicky was not entirely successful at keeping the sarcasm from her voice. "What do you think?"
"I think you have an overactive imagination. I also think you should stay away from these people." Inspector Devine got in the car and wound the window down. "I'll let you know if there are any developments. You can find your own way back?" Without waiting for a reply he drove off.
Nicky watched as the car headed for the main gates. She looked around but the McGraths had gone back inside. As she was mulling things over a four-note whistle caused her to look up. There behind Princess Sophia's sarcophagus she could see Jake.

"I didn't want to come in with the copper about, it could get complicated."
Nicky nodded. How would you explain to a member of the Constabulary that you lived in a treehouse in a cemetery? It would lead to just too many questions.
"Does this look familiar?" Jake took something from his inside pocket and gave it to Nicky.
It was a small newspaper cutting folded in two. Nicky opened it and recognised it immediately. "Of course!" She exclaimed looking at Rion's most treasured possession - the image of Blondin crossing the Niagara Falls. "Where on earth did you get it?"
Jake lent against the huge podium that supported the Princess' marble sarcophagus. "That's the funny thing." He didn't understand it himself. "I saw it this morning on the track going down to the canal."
"The one that goes right past your - "
"The very same, right past the door." Jake took out the everpresent tobacco tin, removed a half-smoked joint, lit it and inhaled deeply. He held back a cough as the fragrant smoke tickled his lungs. Jake handed the roach to Nicky who declined the offer.
"I really shouldn't."
Jake insisted. "No, you really should. You might need it when you hear what I have to say."
Intrigued Nicky took a hit. She returned the joint to Jake who finished it in one sizzling puff.
"I got back last night at about twelve thirty and soon crashed. Anyway I had the strangest dream." Jake shook his head as if still not believing it. "It can't have been long after I went to bed but I could have sworn I heard Rion calling my name."
Nicky looked up but didn't say anything.
"As in the manner of dreams I didn't really pay too much attention to it at the time. I just thought I'd been thinking about her alot and that must have permeated my subconscious somehow. Also the tree makes odd sounds sometimes the branches moan and groan - this isn't the first time I've thought someone's calling me when it's only been the wind."
"That must be sort of spooky being in a cemetery and all."
Jake shrugged. "Anyway this morning ,as I said, I didn't think too much about it until I was going to work and found this on the track. There are also other things."
"Like?"
Jake began walking down the muddy path beneath the chestnut trees. "You'll see. I thought you could maybe tell your friend in blue."
"That wouldn't do any good," Nicky dodged a puddle, "he's just a plod and is doing this for Auntie Em I think he feels he's done his part - he won't be doing us any favours that's for sure."
"How many people did Ollie say were in the vault?"
"Three."
Jake nodded as if it was all fitting into place. "Where is he by the way?"
Nicky sighed. "It's weird. He should have been at the meeting this morning but never showed."
"He seemed keen last night though didn't he?"
"Yeah, he did. I mean, he is." Nicky couldn't figure it out. "Anyway I got woken by Hum barking to be let out at about 9.00 - but no sign of Ollie."
By now they were almost opposite the hidden treehouse. "This is where I found the cutting. Look," Jake pointed to the muddy track. "there and - " He squatted on his haunches. " - there."
Nicky couldn't see anything unusual in the soil, the leaves and gravel that made up Terrace Avenue. She looked again but still there was nothing that would strike her as even remotely suspicious.
"Do you see those footprints?" Jake gestured along the side of the tracks back the way they came.
Nicky could see them now. Heavy sets of indentations on either side of smaller ones.
"How many do you see?"
Nicky looked again. "Three?"
Jake pointed them out. "Judging from the size of their feet I'd say two men walking beside - " He pointed to the smaller set. "a child or woman."
"Rion!"
"Perhaps." Jake stood up. "They came down from the chapel - "
Looking back Nicky could see the three sets of prints more clearly now.
" - to here," Jake pointed to where the prints became a jumbled mess. "where they had a struggle and - "
"Rion called out and dropped the cutting which she knew you would find."
" - then subdued her and took her along here."
They followed the set of prints down the hill towards the canal. Turning off at the neglected graves they saw the tall grass lining the narrow track had been trampled to one side. The trail continued through the hole in the fence and down to the water where the prints abruptly stopped.
"To a boat?"
Jake nodded. "It would appear so wouldn't it?"

Chapter 120 - The Final Destination
Rion had drifted in and out of sleep all day. The gentle throbbing of the barge lulling her to rest, every change in the rhythm waking her. Hearing voices on deck Rion noticed the engine slow down. Through the porthole she could see Beck and Senior's legs in their combats. The thud of ropes on deck, the grind as the boat eased against its resting-place and then silence.
Footsteps clattered downwards. The door creaked open and Gorby stood there. "Here we are." His grin made her shiver. "Your final destination."
Rion knew what would happen next. She didn't even bother to struggle. She just lay there as the handkerchief came closer to her face and the sickly smell of chloroform enveloped her.

Chapter 121 - Page the Oracle

The rumour had swept through the plant late in the day. It was whispered that Sir Edwin had been seen smiling - nay beaming - a fact Mr Paul confirmed to Gem.
"I don't know how he does it. I just don't know," The young assistant manager put his arm around her. "but if it is true then I think I just don't care."
"If what's true?"
"An announcement is imminent." Mr Paul said knowingly.
Auntie Gem was none the wiser. Upon seeing the tealady's blank face Mr Paul elaborated. "Sir Edwin's got a big press conference planned for tomorrow. He's going to reveal the role - or more precisely the lack of it - that Peters & Peters played in polluting the canal. This is good, good news."
Auntie Gem wasn't so sure. "You mean maybe the dead fish weren't Edwin's fault?"
"That's what the report says."
Auntie Gem didn't like the sound of that one bit. "Whose report this time?" She asked suspiciously.
"The Environment Research Agency's. You can't get much more independent than that eh?" Mr Paul helped himself to a chocolate digestive and carried on his way.

Later that evening Auntie Gem knelt on the cushion before her shrine. She needed advice and she needed it fast. The following day would be the last one on which she could act. Gem normally went to Emma for advice but this situation was different, this situation required help from above - besides she didn't want Emma to be implicated if things went wrong.
Diana smiled down at her from a huge variety of photographs. Gem could feel the warmth radiating from the Princess of Wales. Just kneeling there made her feel so much calmer.
The old lady offered up her problem to the Queen of Hearts alongwith a prayer for guidance. Feeling comforted she moved to her bed, switched the electric blanket off and snuggled under the covers.
Her dilemma was now out of her hands. All that was left to do was wait.

The answer came the following morning. It was clear and precise, leaving no room for doubt.
Before Gemma left for work she consulted her oracle. She knelt once more on the cushion in front of the shrine, in her hands the collector's edition magazine that celebrated Diana's life. Gem closed her eyes, letting the pages of the glossy magazine flutter back and forth through her fingers. After a while - it could have been a few seconds, it could have been a minute or longer - she heard the internal voice. At that instant she stopped the pages, her thumb coming to rest on the preordained image.
What photo would it be? What message would it give?

Chapter 122 - What's happened??
Gem slowly opened her eyes and looked down. When she saw what had been chosen she knew immediately her plan had been approved. The image the oracle had sent was one from early in Diana's life. It showed the young Lady Di, not a princess yet, with Prince Charles at Balmoral. The teenage girl grinned shyly whilst her husband to be stood waist-deep in a river...fishing.
FISHING!
As clear a message as any. If her thumb had alighted on the one where the Princess, dressed in black, was leaving Klosters for her father's funeral that would have been a clear sign that Gem mustn't take her plan further; or if it had been one on that unhappy trip to Korea, with the Princess looking upset and tearful, that would also have stopped Gem in her tracks, but this one with Diana shyly grinning at the camera whilst Charles fished meant that she could now proceed with a clear heart.
Going into the kitchen Gem retrieved the plastic bag from the freezer. She left for Peters & Peters, her conscience now clear about what she was going to do.

Nicky and Auntie Em sat in the house at the end. Both were worried. Ollie hadn't been seen now for more than thirty-six hours.
"He would have told us if he was going away." Nicky looked at the hound lying dejected by the fire. "He certainly wouldn't have left Hum alone."
"Yes." Auntie Em sighed. "It's time to take action." She leaned over and held Nicky's hand. "You do realise whatever we do it's going to be unpleasant."
Nicky nodded.
"We'll have to phone the police - the hospitals - "
" - the morgue." Nicky felt tears prick her eyes. She wiped them away and froze. "Oh Auntie Em!" Nicky nervously pointed out the window.
Emma followed her gaze to see a uniformed policeman walking slowly down the mews.
They hurried out of the house, Hum at their heels.
"Do you know an Oliver Michaelson?" The young copper asked.
"Yes." Auntie Em replied. Her unease was compounded by the gravity of the policeman's demeanour.
"Are you his next of kin?"
"As good as."
Nicky tried to control her mounting hysteria. "What's happened?"
"I have some bad news I'm afraid."
"What's happened?" Nicky shrieked.
"There's never an easy way to do this." The policeman continued.
"Oh God, oh God, oh God." Nicky moaned whilst Auntie Em visibly blanched.

Chapter 123 - Bubbles & Bruises

The policeman walked back up the way he came and signalled outside. Seconds later an ambulance rumbled into the mews and stopped behind him.
The driver hopped down. "We cleaned him up abit." He went to the back of the ambulance and opened the doors. "He was a real mess when he came in."
Nicky nervously peered round to see a dishevelled figure on a bench, a blanket around his shoulders. "Ollie?" She went to help him down. "What's going on? Are you ok?"
Hum gave a joyous bark upon seeing his master.
"You can confirm his identity?" The policeman asked.
"Oliver Guy Michaelson." Auntie Em stroked Ollie's hair. "How did he - where did you pick him up?"
"He was found wandering along the M4 in a somewhat disorientated state." The policeman looked at his notebook. "Yesterday midmorning."
"Suffering from concussion. We wanted to keep him in but he insisted on discharging himself." The ambulance driver slammed the doors shut. "We can't be held responsible."
The policeman again checked his notes. "Says the last thing he remembers is being in a nightclub - 'Trade'?"
"Trade?" Nicky repeated. The afterhours club, a favourite amongst insomniacs and those of a chemical persuasion, was famed for its ferocity.
"I couldn't sleep." Ollie mumbled.
"And when you can't sleep go dancing right?" Nicky hugged her friend. "Oh Ollie."
The policeman approached. "I take it I can release him to your care?"
"Of course officer." Auntie Em signed the proffered form. "And thank you."
They watched as the ambulance reversed out of the mews.
"Bath and sleep is all I need." Ollie said in response to the concerned looks. He patted his pockets but there was no familiar jangling.
"You have a key sweetness?" Auntie Em asked Nicky. "It seems our boy has mislaid his."
Ollie shrugged his shoulders. "Although where I couldn't possibly tell you."
As soon as Nicky let them in Auntie Em marched up the stairs. The first thing she did was put on the kettle. "You'll have tea?"
"Try and stop me." Ollie slumped on the sofa. Hum jumped up beside him and covered him protectively with his paws.
"You weren't at Trade were you?" Nicky added an extra dash of bubble bath to the clawed tub before turning the taps on full.
"No."
"Why didn't you tell us you were in hospital? We've been worried sick."
"I couldn't even have told you my name until this morning."
Auntie Em looked at Ollie for a long while. "I've seen you in worse states I must say." She placed the tea tray on the table. "Perhaps you'll tell me about it later." Auntie Em kissed him on the forehead. Before she left she beckoned Nicky over. "Put him to bed after this." She ordered. "Don't let him out of your sight."
Ollie shuffled through to the bathroom. He slowly pulled off his dirty clothes and eased himself into the foaming bubbles. "You've no idea how good this feels."
Nicky waited a few moments but couldn't stay silent much longer. She brought his tea through and sat on the edge of the tub. "What on earth were you doing on the M4?"
Ollie stretched through his body. He aimed to fit his big toe in the tap before thinking better of it.
"It'll get stuck." Nicky warned.
"Probably." Ollie luxuriated in the hot water. He put a generous dollop of shampoo on his hands and began washing his hair.
"The M4?" Nicky prompted.
"I have no idea. Absolutely no idea. The last thing I remember was going into the cemetery. I couldn't sleep, I kept on thinking about the people in that vault - maybe one of them was Rion. My mind was just spinning out Nicks. I had to go." Ollie slipped beneath the water to rinse his hair. He stayed under for what seemed an inordinately long time before slowly surfacing.
"But the M4 Ol - what's that all about?"
"This is all I know." He guided Nicky's hand to a point on his skull above his left ear. Beneath his hair matted wet Nicky could feel a lump the size of a duck egg. "Lucky I'm thick-skulled I guess."
"And you can't remember anything after the cemetery?"
"Nope."
"P.c. Plod was a mite peeved you didn't show yesterday."
"It wasn't on purpose believe me."
"There was nothing in the vault of course, and no sign of the creepy guard, but it was interesting. The couple in charge - " Nicky cleared her throat. " - the polite word for them would be eccentric I guess - they were almost made of tweed and their office - ! figures of Morris dancers everywhere." The recent drama had caused Nicky to overlook the most important part. She quickly filled him in on Jake, Rion's cutting and the theory about a barge.
Ollie wracked his brain: a tweedy couple, figures of dancers and a boat.
"Come on." Ollie got out of the bath and began drying himself. "I've an idea."
Nicky wasn't happy. "But I promised Auntie Em - "
"We'll be back before she will."
"Are you sure you're ok?"
"Like I said, nothing a bath and a sleep won't fix." Ollie gave what he hoped was a reassuring smile. "I've had the bath, I'll sleep later."
Nicky still wasn't convinced.
"C'mon Nicks, I'll take the blame."

Within minutes they were in Little Venice. Ollie hurried down the towpath until he was opposite Jason's Restaurant. "It was here I'm sure." Ollie's heart sunk as soon as he saw the barges moored along the canal.
They all looked the same.
Although individually painted their bright colours created a uniformity that made them difficult to tell apart. What made it worse was that all the couples looked similar to each other. There was also a preponderance of tweed.
"I'm sorry Nicks. I made a mistake."
"The mind playing tricks?"
Ollie kicked the fence in anger. "All the fucking time."

Chapter 124 - Salmon Ella?
It was as if the first floor hadn't heard the apparently good news. The open plan office was silent apart from a jaunty whistling that came from behind Sir Edwin's door. The staff noticeably relaxed when the whistling stopped only to tense up when the jolly tune started once more.
"It's worse when he's happy isn't it?" Miss Collins cringed as the whistling increased in volume.
"Anyone with him?" Gemma asked as her trolley squeaked towards her boss' office.
"Just Mr Paul. He's been in there much longer than usual." The pa pressed a buzzer on the desk in front of her. "Gemma's here with your lunch Sir Edwin."
Hardly had she finished speaking when the office door was thrown open. Sir Edwin stood there smiling, his arms open wide. "Gemma!" He boomed, his bearlike embrace causing the tealady to gasp.
"Stop it." Gem swatted her boss on the shoulder. She adjusted her tunic as he ushered her into his office.
The assistant manager sat on the sofa smoking an enormous cigar and looking slightly ill. "Gem." They exchanged nods.
As soon as the door was closed Sir Edwin took the trolley and wheeled it towards his desk.
"What are you going to do with your Christmas bonus?" The tealady managed to deflect her boss' fingers that were about to tickle her ribs. "Paul here is developing a taste for Cuban cigars." Sir Edwin slapped his assistant manager on the back. "Aren't you Paul?"
Mr Paul coughed out a mouthful of smoke. He tried to say something but choked before a sentence could be formed.
The chairman of Peters & Peters continued. "He might be spending his bonus on a trip to Havana eh?"
The assistant manager dodged another slap on the back.
"Show Gem what you've done." Sir Edwin smiled at Gemma. "He's a genius Gem."
The young man gave another cough before stubbing out his cigar in the ashtray. He picked up a poster from the coffee table in front of him and held it up for Gem to see. Mr Paul gestured to the poster and tried to speak but the effort brought on another coughing fit.
Sir Edwin smiled indulgently. "I'll explain shall I?"
Mr Paul gratefully nodded.
"We'll be putting these up along the canal."
Gemma squinted at the posters. Knowing how much her boss liked the sound of his own voice she pretended she couldn't see the lettering that, in reality, was perfectly clear to her. "You'll have to read it for me Sir Ed-win."
Her boss needed no prompting. "'Danger!'" He read out loud. "'Blue green algae alert. Organic toxin. Do not drink. Contact can be dangerous to humans and animals.'" He beamed at Gemma. "And this is the best part." Sir Edwin pointed to a section that was in red. It was also in much larger lettering than the first. "'This announcement paid for by Peters & Peters as part of its,'" Sir Edwin took a theatrical intake of breath. "'Community Environmental Care Programme.'" He looked at Gemma. "What do you think?"
"Do we have an environmental care programme?"
"We do now!" Sir Edwin looked out of the window at the canal below him. "Naturally poisoned - isn't it wonderful?"
Mr Paul looked at his watch. "Sir Edwin." For the first time since Gem entered Mr Paul was able to get through a whole sentence without coughing. "The conference is in one hour."
Sir Edwin lifted the lid from a salver. An unexpectedly pungent aroma filled the room. "Join me for lunch Paul."
The assistant manager wrinkled his nose. "I'm not a great fish eater Sir Edwin."
Faced with such a smell the boss of Peters & Peters wasn't sure whether he was either. "Well," He said replacing the lid. "we don't have to have fish - what else has chef got Gem?"
Gemma did her best to look horrified. "It's Friday Sir Edwin!"
Mr Paul got up from the sofa. "I need some time before the conference anyway." He smiled shakily at Gemma who had begun to lay the lunch on the smoky glass coffee table.
Before the assistant manager could leave Sir Edwin reached into his polished oak executive humidor and chose two cigars. "Practice makes perfect!" He winked at Mr Paul, putting the two cohibas in his top pocket.
The chairman of Peters & Peters closed the door on his assistant manager. "Am I having fun today Gem or what?!"
Seeing her boss in such an amicable mood made the tealady think twice about what she was going to do. She didn't have to think for long though - her plan had been sanctioned from on high hadn't it?
Sir Edwin disappeared into the small side room where he kept several changes of clothes. It was also where he kept his wine.
"What sort of fish is it Gem?"
The tealady held her nose as she looked at the lightly poached fillets in their white sauce. "A flat one?" She said hopefully.
Her boss appeared brandishing a bottle of wine. "Red wine with fish, I know it's not the done thing - there's probably a very good reason for it too - but I fancy something abit more robust than the normal Chablis." He winked at Gemma. "Don't tell Lady Peters!"
Sir Edwin uncorked the bottle and poured himself a glass. "Magnificent." He said, holding the glass up to the light. He took a small sip, savoured the taste on his tongue before swirling the wine around his mouth and swallowing in one. "Have a glass with me Gem."
The tealady shook her head disapprovingly. She ladled consommé into a bowl which she placed before her boss who, worryingly, appeared in no hurry to eat.
Sir Edwin poured himself another glass and sprawled back on the Chesterfield. Stretching his legs he nearly kicked over the bowl of clear soup on the table in front of him.
"Edwin!" Gemma gestured for him to take his feet off the coffee table.
"Let's have some fun first."
Auntie Gem looked at him doubtfully.
"Come on." Sir Edwin patted the sofa beside him. Gem looked at him again before sitting down gingerly on the Chesterfield.

Chapter 125 - You Always Have Fish on Friday
Her boss pressed a speed dial on the speakerphone.
"Aaron?" He said as a gruff, somewhat threatening voice filled the room. "It's me. Stay on the line." Sir Edwin pressed the conference call button and dialled another number. "I'm beginning with the Standard."
The London Evening Standard had been one of Peters & Peter's fiercest critics over the recent ecological disaster.
"Tim?" Her boss began as the editor came on the line. "It's Sir Edwin Peters here."
A chuckle was heard. "Ah Ed - still polluting the canals of our fair city?"
Sir Edwin let the jibe slide by. He had the upper hand in this one. "The Environment Research Agency has just published a report you might find interesting."
"I doubt it but go on."
"It shows the canal pollution was caused by blue green algae, a naturally occurring organic toxin."
"And?"
"Your false, malicious reporting wiped millions off the stock value, not to mention the damage to our name and goodwill leaving me no alternative but to sue you on behalf of our shareholders."
Sir Edwin smiled at the long silence that followed.
"Let's have lunch." The editor began. "Harry's Bar. Monday 12:00 - "
Sir Edwin didn't let him finish. "My lawyer is here. Aaron?"
"Mr Sheridan?" The celebrated libel lawyer's voice, filled with menace and charm, caused Auntie Gem to shiver.
Sir Edwin clicked off the phone. He downed his glass in one and poured himself another.
"Your soup is getting cold."
"It's not really a consommé day is it? I need something - " He opened his arms wide before putting them behind his head. " - grander, like foie gras and oysters, like filet mignon, like - " Edwin's desires on power food were interrupted by a light flashing red on the phone. He pressed the button to be met by a loud belching noise.
"I reckon he'll settle before the end of the week." The lawyer's voice filled the room. "Give me another."
Sir Edwin laughed out loud. "Did he squeal?"
"He will do."
Gem's boss rubbed his hands in glee. "Let's do the Mail."
There followed a series of similar calls. Gem and Sir Edwin listened in whilst his lawyer terrorised newspaper editors before extorting damages from them. Auntie Gem watched anxiously as her plan appeared to slip away.
After Aaron reported back with yet another successful call Auntie Gem decided she had to take matters into her own hands. "No more calls until you have something to eat."
"But a day like today demands something red and meaty." Sir Edwin said with disappointment, as he looked at the salver under which he knew was something white and fishy.
Gem took the lid off the silver dish. She put several fillets of fish on a plate, a serving of vegetables beside them and placed the meal before Sir Edwin. "It's Friday." She reminded him. "You always have fish on Friday. Besides," She gestured to the wine. "you need to line your stomach. The conference is in half an hour."

Auntie Gem made sure her boss finished everything on his plate.
"What would I do without you Gem?" Sir Edwin beamed up at her.
The tealady stayed silent. She poured him a cup of black coffee before gathering up the plates. As she was about to leave she turned to her boss who was already on the phone. "Have a good conference Sir Edwin." Gemma smiled and closed the door.

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