Feature

Even a marriage seemingly made in heaven can end up a hell on earth if one partner is unfaithful.

Tragically, many marriages now end in the divorce courts due to the infidelity of either husband or wife.

An affair or even a one-night stand is a terrible betrayal of trust and sounds the death knell of many relationships since the innocent party is likely to find it extremely hard, if not impossible, to forgive and forget.

If your relationship hits the rocks because one of you has been tempted off the straight and narrow, don’t make any instant major decisions about ending your marriage.

This is the time to do some reflection to see what issues other than this infidelity need to be recognised and dealt with.

Accept that your feelings of rage, uncertainty, shock, agitation, fear, pain, depression and confusion about having an unfaithful spouse are normal.

You will almost certainly have some physical reactions to the infidelity such as nausea, diarrhoea, panic attacks, sleep problems, shakiness, difficulty concentrating and either not wanting to eat or bingeing. Try to take care of yourself and let friends and family take care of you too. If they offer help, let them.

Force yourself to eat healthy foods to keep to some sort of routine no matter how hard that may seem, to sleep regular hours, to get some exercise each day, to drink plenty of water and to have some fun. Don’t lock yourself away without seeing friends. Spoil yourself with shopping treats and outings.

It’s OK and healthy to laugh. Watch some funny movies or TV shows. Life goes on in spite of heartache and unfaithful spouses.

Tears are healthy too. If you can’t shed them naturally put on some heart-rending ballads or watch a sad movie like Titanic or Finding Neverland. Weeping is cathartic. It helps cleanse the sorrow from your system if only for a while.

You may find it helps to write down your thoughts and feelings about your spouse’s unfaithfulness and how it has affected you.

If you can face the pain, talk with your partner about the infidelity. Ask all the questions you want. However, you may have to accept that your spouse may not know why the infidelity took place or have difficulty explaining him or herself.

Seek counselling and take life one day at a time. Some will be good and you’ll feel you are making progress. On other days you will feel you have slid backwards. But slowly and with tenderness things will get better.

If you need to see a doctor, don’t feel it is a sign of weakness. Your GP is there to help you and prescribe any medication that you may need to help you through your crisis.
Don’t expect the mixture of feelings, the sense of confusion and limbo and the mistrust to go away just because you’ve tried to forgive your spouse and made a commitment to save your marriage. It takes time to get beyond the pain of having an unfaithful mate.
Be practical. Look at your finances, housing situation and transportation. If you do decide to end your marriage, make sure you have thought out where you will live and if you have enough money to pay for your essentials.

You may be able to save your marriage. But you might not. If the last resort is to split up you must allow yourself time to grieve.

The stages of death and dying are just like grieving for a dead marriage. They are denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.

If you think you can save your relationship it will take a lot of hard work and rebuilding of trust. It won’t ever be the same again. But it can be different and maybe even stronger.


Picture caption: Jude Law famously cheated on Sienna Miller with his children’s nanny before the couple separated.

MyVillage, 11th September